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Something has changed this week, but I am not sure I can put this in words.
I know I have been saying that, “Just when I think it can’t get any better it does.” Well it just got better again. This time though, I can imagine it getting even better. There is a kind of intimacy, that is all together new to our relationship. Actually, it is new to me personally. This is why I am having a hard time describing it. All I can say is that it is very precious and deep. It is a point where there are no walls between us. We are both vulnerable and emotionally naked. I can look into his eyes and know he has let me inside.
At this point I feel this intimacy only when he is at my bosom. If this was to carry over into the rest of our times together… I could not imagine hiding anything from each other. I have heard of a couple cases, where the intimacy gets to be too deep for someone, and they are scared off from it. I can see now how that is possible. This nakedness… this vulnerability… on both parties part; Can any of us afford to be so well known, and so open to another person?
I am finding that I have to ask this of myself. Is there anything I wish for no one else, not even my mate, to know about me? Can I let him inside me like this?
Then the hardest question; If something was to happen… and we were to be torn apart, could I survive it? If he was to be mean or unfaithful in the slightest way, I believe the pain would be felt deeper then any pain I have ever felt before. What of death? What if I was to be left behind?
Thing is, this vulnerability is going both ways. I can feel his guard going down with my own. Maybe this is why it is even possible… because we are both becoming more naked together.
I am finding my love for him growing. I could never imagine intentionally hurting him. I feel a need to be cautious, so I don’t accidentally give him reason to bolt from what is happening. I also have to watch myself, being aware that I do not back off from this either.
After 25 years of marriage, we have a lot of history. I never imagined that it would be possible to lay the negative and hurtful parts completely down, and be vulnerable again as if they never happened. Even though there has been forgiveness and bitterness has been overcome, trust has been something I have refused to allow back into my heart.
Can we be trusted with such intimacy? I can see that at some point soon, I am going to have to make this decision. If the answer were to be no; then what? Is it possible to continue with bosom love as an aspect of our relationship, and not have the intimacy grow to that point? I have a hard time imagining it being so.
I am finding our relationship as it is, to be such a blessing. The preciousness, the richness, the joy and passion… I believe it is something that very few attain. I don’t want to give up this intimacy. I can not imagine being satisfied with anything less now. Do we really want more? Is more even avoidable, without losing what we have in trying to avoid it?
This is where we are at seventeen weeks.
first draft 03/08/09
This is the precious, priceless part, my sister-friend. Hold on tight…and make sure he reads what you’ve just written. He is in that place, too, I assure you.
I’ve heard of “being unable to do without” being used in a negative manner in the sexual arena. For example, some experts on giving men advice in the dating world claim that one of the best ways to ensnare women is to “give her pleasure she can’t do without,” as if she were some drug addict to be controlled.
At least both of you entered into this relationship willingly. Maybe now would be the time to let him back into your heart; if he proves false, then at least you knew sooner and not later when more damage would be done.
Thank you for commenting. I enjoy discussion. You have a point. If this only influenced our own relationship that would be a good consideration.
Being the mother that I am, I have more motives than selfishness to preserve my relationship with their father. So in our case, finding out later, when the children are less vulnerable, is better. Maybe it is not better for me, but better for them. My joy is in having the intimacy and happiness that we have right now, adding to that is the security it brings to the children. When the children are adults, they still are hurt by parental separation, but they have more understanding and maturity to deal with it. One day the children will be grown, and I can live life more recklessly and find what is best for me if I choose. Until then, I have a responsibility towards the children I have brought into this world. Soooo…. I am very blessed to have the relationship with my husband as it stands right now. I truly am happy and fulfilled. I have no desire to risk that in either attaining more or avoiding more. This leaves me wishing I knew what was best, attaining or avoiding, and if a plateau right where we are is possible.
This and other ANR blogs are so important.We are in the infancy of what might become a common place thing in the future.It is so natural that after shucking off the taboo it must become global.
But it is only a rediscovery of the past.
First, thank you for your comment. It means a lot to me, not only what you contribute, but that you take the time to contribute. I know we are all busy.
I hope you don’t mind my continuing on the thought.
When I think of all the physically intimate acts that are practiced today without the taboo… This is more natural than many. The softness of the woman’s bosom begs to rest a head in it, and the nipples are really for suckling. Breast are beautiful, but their use are even better than their ornamentation. I often wonder if it is the subconscious thought of their use that makes the site of them so beautiful.
Then I think of all the habits and often addictions we participate in when we are seeking comfort or hope… emotional eating, smoking, alcoholism, gambling, porn… How many of those things really meet our needs? What if during those times of stress or loneliness, there was the option of an intimate bosom embrace? How many marriages would benefit with the level of intimacy this brings? How many homes would benefit if the parents had this level of intimacy?
I don’t see an end to the taboo in my life time, but a pebble dropping in the pond sends out ripples. If just a few people benefit from this, it will have been worth our effort. Then one or more of them can send out ripples too. My own ripples are only following ripples of people ahead of me like Mayfieldflowerrn and the creators and admin of sites like the ones found in my links. Mayfieldflowerrn has at least two post that are relevant to the global-ness and the desire for this intimacy. I hope all of my readers have seen her blog, this dear lady can really write, and she knows her stuff too.
She has been my inspiration.
http://discoveringanr.blogspot.com/2009/02/100-posts.html
http://discoveringanr.blogspot.com/2009/02/on-those-who-long-for-anr.html
I just loved this article. It is filled with such raw emotion. Just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Thank you for your kind words and I am flattered that they have inspired some further musings.
What you have written is brilliant about turning to the comfort and succour of a womans breasts rather than turning to things which damage and hurt people.
I think perhaps why it is so taboo is that the woman is the centre of things.It is her that bars the life giving powerful comforting breasts.
Male run societies fear this power and femininity.They fear that men may become less “masculine” because of their love of women and their loving of a womans innate power.
Males are socialised to be often hard and uncaring. When a man is a at a breast he is calm and in tune with a woman.But it is a symbol of feminine power too.For to place ones head where all of the senses are so close to someone is at heart a worshipful and humble thing.
I really think there will become a turning point soon where adult breast feeding will be on par with how homosexuality is viewed.It will still be discriminated against and thought out of the ordinary but vast amounts of the population will be doing it and be proud of it but stil worrying about the outside world.
Eventually though I think it will become again what it must have been in human history a central part of most couples lives and a very valid and beautiful way of expressing warmth and love for each other.
I think once the lid is blown off this particular taboo, we won’t have the kind of discrimination against it that you would assume. I don’t expect droves of couples to join nurse-ins or start doing it in public, but given the lack of any religious reason for people to take against it, I don’t see it being treated as homosexuality is.