Why did I choose the words, “His Milkmaid” to describe myself and our relationship?
This is a question I have asked myself a few times. I have yet to feel like I can express an answer completely enough to satisfy me. I do know that it was answer from my heart. It wasn’t something I rolled around in my head and got all philosophical about.
I thought today that maybe if I just tried searching my heart and apply a little brain translation, I could possibly come up with answer close enough. I am typing as I attempt it.
The “his” part is easy. I have been his since we married 25 years ago. I have never been tempted to stray from my marriage vows. There is no one else that I would like to give myself to in a physically intimate way.
It goes beyond lovemaking. This includes my carrying, birthing, nursing, and nurturing his children over the last 24 years. Yes, they are my children too, that is a given. But truth be told, I only had so many because he wanted me too. There were times when I was not thrilled to find out I was pregnant again. He, on the other hand, has always been proud of the life I was carrying. He was in the room for each birth. He would rub my back and pray for me as I labored. I felt so much of the idea that I was “carrying his child” and “giving him a child,” that I let him choose their names. The first one is named after him. He has been worthy of such honor… being an attentive and loving father.
During those years of carrying, birthing, nursing, and often still nursing one while carrying the next, I had “little to none” when it came to energy left for lovemaking. Just the thought of it made me tired. Yet, even in those years, my life was about my god and my husband. I took pride in cooking things he enjoyed. I watched him walk through our garden in the mornings, at lunch time, and after work. While I gardened, my heart would swell up knowing I was doing something that pleased him.
I never had “career” aspirations. I came from a broken home. My mom left my dad, (who never stopped loving her…) She gave up her children to pursue a life as a bar maid and alcoholic. I knew I was going to do just the opposite. In my heart, I dedicated my future to being a loyal wife and mother when other girls were thinking about career choices. I knew as a child that my goal in life would be to nurture my family and hold it together. The man I married would have my devotion. I was “his,” my future husbands, before I ever met him. And so he has always possessed my heart, my body, and my support in his own career and business.
Is it any wonder that I would choose the possessive pronoun “his”?
Taking it further, should it be any wonder that I would seek to continue offering my body the way that I have? (He is worthy of all this devotion, and rises to the occasion, “taking care of the girls” in the most loving and attentive way many times a day.) Even though our bosom relationship was my idea this time, I know that remembering his desire and enjoyment back when I was nursing babies is at the root of my own desire. Add to that how much nurturing our relationship is important to me… and I think we are getting close to an answer of why “his milkmaid.”
When I approached him about trying to re-incorporate suckling into our marriage, I honestly had no idea how much physical enjoyment it would bring me. In the days of babies my body knew my nipples were for business. Now they are free for pleasure. I also only later discovered, how much lactating was a part of who I am… how much I missed it… Only bringing it back made me realize it. It was not a consideration at the beginning.
All that was in my heart and my mind was nurturing our relationship, and bring back something that once brought him pleasure. I knew I would enjoy the emotional aspect in nurturing the relationship, and I knew the idea of offering myself to him, in a servant sort of way, would be erotic and a turn on for me. So it was not like I was planning to be a martyr or anything. Still, my own “physical” enjoyment was a surprise present; a gift.
Adding to the erotic notion of being his chamber maid in this way, was the hormones I had not even thought of. I can not explain the headiness and bliss or contentment caused by the hormones. (I never got into smoking pot so I can not vouch for this; but in my on line searches, I read an account by a female doctor who said that the temporary affect it has on the brain is the same. It is also mentioned in the book, The Oxytocin Factor.) The feeling was not like this when I had my babies. Or maybe I just did not recognize the calming blissful effect. Thinking back I remember sitting down to nurse and feeling my whole body “sigh” and relax. But, then again, nursing was about the only time I was not on my feet scurrying around trying to get a “mother load” done. So, I guess it is not odd that I did not contribute the sigh and relaxed feeling to the hormones.
In my effort to nurture our relationship, I was unwittingly enacting a process that would create happy hormones that feed my desire to nurture even more. This included the hormone oxytocin related to emotional bonding and sexual satisfaction. It is more than just hormones. The physical intimacy of drawing him to my bosom and his suckling there enhances our emotional intimacy, which feeds my desire for increased physical intimacy. It set up a continual loop drawing us closer and deeper.
“His Milkmaid,” was not a thought out acronym on my part. I did not even know then that it was used to describe a lactating woman who lactates for erotic reasons. …but it is so fitting. Someone before me obviously had the idea. All I had was the emotions; the desire to offer my breasts to him with a servants heart full of devotion and loyalty, and the desire to bring him to my bosom where my heart of heart yearned for that closeness I wanted to nurture. I had dreamed about it in the weeks before I brought the idea up to him. Little did I know how dreamy my reality was going to become.
I am his milkmaid, and I am loving it.
This entry deserves a full-on e-mail from me, which I’ll send later when I make the time.
I think I remember an old novel by Margaret Atwood called “The Handmaid’s Tale,” a piece of dystopic fiction that did its damnedest to make any mention of “his woman” in any form as abominably misogynistic as possible. I wonder what the feminists (or the “womyn,” lol) back then would think of your bosom relationship now, or of your choices.
But why can’t a relationship of mutual dependence be as beautiful and accepted as a more conventional one where both are capable of being independent? Is it such a bad thing to be intensely feminine in the way you’ve chosen?
OK, I admit I had to look up dystopic and misogynistic. lol. …basically oppressive and woman hating.
I typed a VERY long soap-box-ish reply to this earlier, because I a very passionate about this topic. I am going to try again, but be less combative towards my opposition, (which most certainly is not you,) No use preaching to the choir.
I for one, am glad that women have just as much a right to decide how to live their lives as men do; at least in my country they do. It is because I am not being oppressed and especially not by a woman hater, that I can enjoy my choice to live in a supporting role.
Yet, now I feel social pressure against my free choice by some of the very ladies who expound freedom and choices for women.
Because I have not had career aspirations I am at first glance, considered stupid and lazy. After a person gets to know me, their opinion changes.
I have used my free time to do volunteer work, and I have in the past served on committees and boards in our local community. I have been nominated president for both our county development association, (which works to bring new business and infrastructure in to the county,) and the chamber of commerce. I turned the nominations down because I knew I could not be at every meeting. After in both cases, being begged by every board member to reconsider, I agreed to accept the nomination for vice president and got the position. These people recognized by my previous participation, that I was neither stupid nor lazy.
Then there is the matter of my many children. People admire my family. Strangers stand amazed at me for being able to manage one this large. We could talk for an hour, them asking advice on parenting, home management, and home education. They are pleased with my answers. Then it finally gets around to the question as to how many of the children are mine and how many are his. When they realize that we are not a mixed and put together family, their reaction is enough to make me cry. They get this confounded look, and their chin drops open. When they finally pick it up, they ask again just to be sure they understood. Then the questions stop. I can see the disgust on their face, and know their opinion of me has been reduced to one as an ignorant breeding machine. How many times have I heard, “Don’t you know where babies come from?” Then they laugh a nervous laugh and turn away.
People can not imagine a woman making the choices I have made. In this modern society they do see it as some form of oppression. They can not imagine the joy in raising a large family. All they see is work.
So to the career centric woman I am lazy, until she sees my family, and then declares that is too much work. lol.
I wish as women we could be free to be true to ourselves. The pressures of society picks up where the laws left off. So there is still room to move forward in the area of freedom.
Seeking like mind friends, we joined a sub-culture much like the Amish, that we thought believed as we do, only to find the lack of individual freedom was as traditional as their farming methods. That society does border on dystopia, and the founder is misogynistic. When that was realized, we got out.
I have found a few other families where the couples have made true and free choices similar to ours. It is rare. The neat thing is, in these families, the parents ARE well educated and take the education of their children VERY seriously. They usually have a thriving family business, and hold respected offices in their community. Their children are respectful and converse with grown adults on a multitude of topics. They grow up to be responsible citizens with selfless desires to better the world.
I made my choices, and I am pleased with them. This is why you will often see me writing the phrase, “Be true to yourself.” People need to be encouraged to stand against the pressures of their society, make truly free choices, and have a chance to live their own lives without regrets.
I take my hat off to the feminist who fought for women’s choices before me, and I ask them to now, let me make my choices even if they differ from their own.
Here’s an interesting article with a short anecdote on how at least one young man had the same aspirations you did–”to find who should be the mother of my children.”
Granted, the article is more about reviving courtship than about women’s liberation and the death of the “Leave it to Beaver” type household, but it is rather revealing as to how low the job of “raising the future generation to become responsible, ethical, and moral citizens” is on most young people’s priorities.
Family–truly loving, truly respectful, truly supportive family–is given such short shrift now. The link in question is here:
http://www.americanvalues.org/html/2_kass_keynote.html
I read it. Amazing… and sad. So it is not just my own experience and observations.
Thank you for the link.
The older I become the more secure and confident I feel with my daily choices to “fight the world”. I have often felt like a salmon trying to swim up stream, against a very strong current, to return home. I believe strongly that a beautiful and healthy way of life was set into motion eons ago for my benefit and protection. My life has always been the most joyful when I work within God’s plan for my life rather than fight against it. For me, it has been to love, nurture and serve everyone in my family. I am and have always been happiest when in the home working diligently to create a place that is fun, peaceful, and restful…a break away from the world’s chaos…a place where my family longs to return from their busy schedules. Contrary to popular belief, home-educated children are often some of the “most socialized” and busy of all children! We were members of multiple groups that provided a wealth of opportunities. Home education seemed to be a continuation of my earliest nurturing, breastfeeding. It was a lifestyle that I chose and have never regretted. My children are their own people…each one unique…but we are one family. We have been open and honest, communicating about EVERYTHING! We trust and love one another and have weathered some of life’s worst storms. The closeness that had been fostered between me and my children allowed us to get through some very difficult times remarkably unscathed. After much trial and tribulation, a wonderful man entered my life who became my husband…he truly loves me and adores how I nurture him and our family. He is the only man who has ever suckled at my breasts…he savors the sweet nectar that springs forth from them. Our milk was in full-swing after just one month after embarking on our ANR.
“Sevenfold” is often a word that comes to my mind. This is the way in which I have been blessed…sevenfold…an exponential number too great for me to fathom!
Happy am I being “feminine”. I wallow in it, enjoying it to the max. My husband is very masculine. We compliment and complete one another. We are part and parcel of one another. My beloved is mine and I am his.
My darling Milkmaid you seem like a truly wonderful and nurturing woman and I wish you all the best. However don’t be fooled into thinking that a) men had it any easier and b) feminists are responsible for any percieved choices you have now. Men typically only ever had the choice to work to provide for a family and prior to the wars the vast majority of men were working in extremely undesirable working conditions e.g. coal mining which could hardly be seen as empowering or male priviilage. You might ask well women didn’t get the vote until 10 or so years after men? Men only were allowed to vote because they had agreed to give themselves up as cannonfodder in times of war – in other word’s men’s expendibility was the price to be paid for any advantages men were given in society – handicaps men were given ONLY so they could get a wife and family.You think men work hard because they HAVE to? They work to get the women their mothers always told them about. That was the old system where a the contract between the sexes was traditional – the choice you selected for yourself. Nowadays men have every reason not to get married or even to keep working for this society and most of them don’t even know it. He can lose his wife, house, children and all future wages to child support and alimony as a price for making the wrong choice in a wife and sad to say most women are not like you. I’m not blaming women here – tons of bad men who cheat, abuse (although it has been proven that domestic violence contrary to popular belief is very equal in its distribution between male and female partners as is cheating). A trademark of this generation is how difficult it is for the typical man to get a wife at all. During his 20s he will watch all the women in his age group say they want nice guys but only go for the ‘alpha’ male types who cheat on them and treat them like crap but are so attractive because all the other women want him. No doubt there are many wonderful women like you (who in your words deserve to feel like the most beautiful creature on the planet) but the feminists do NOT give a dam about you and your dreams – they simply want to destroy the world of men and with it the natural desires and aspirations of women.
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I highly recommend reading Warren Farrell’s “They Myth of Male Power.” Don’t be fooled into thinking that being a man is or ever was some sort of privilage. 80% of all suicides in US are male. Life for men has always been brutally hard and they only ever kept going because they dreamt they’d meet a woman like you.
Maxi,
What a well thought out reply! Being honest… As much as I have personally known men who have struggled in the ways you have mentioned, (my own father being one of them,) I never thought about it how hard it must be to NOT be an alpha male in this alpha male world. I certainly do not think of men as being privileged in our modern times, but I guess I never really consider JUST how tough it can be. Men generally do not communicate their struggles. They just suck it up and hold it in. Now I am going to have to be more sensitive and not assume that their appearance of strength and lack of whining means they aren’t struggling inside the way I do.
Traditionally, in the days before modern conveniences of washing machines and stoves, meals in a box, and bread in a bag, the average women worked as physically hard as the man. She spent many of her years pregnant while toiling. Of course just how physical, depended on their social class. In the pioneers days, I believe the woman worked longer hours. Even in today’s world, when the working couple gets off of work, most of the time the woman will do the cooking, laundry, child care, home work, shopping, etc. And the men are more likely to get a night or two out with the guys after the yard work, if there is a yard.
Going of to war…. you are right, traditionally men were expected to be the protectors, laying their lives on the line. The women spent this time raising their brood of children without his help, often being the financial provider as well, while he was gone. The threat to her life was in repeated childbirth, war or no war. One died defending life while taking it, the other died bring it into the world.
No one sex has ever had it easy. Speaking of war, the “war of the sexes,” is a sad one. If I had my way, we would appreciate our differences, and cherish them.
Women have worked hard to get respect, and now they have it. It is unfortunate the attack on men by the feminists continues. Now it is the men who struggle for respect. Someday, (I hope,) they will see that the feminist attack has lost it’s importance. It’s time has come and gone. It is time to be true to ourselves, men and women alike, and allow others to do the same.
I have been touched by your complements. I needed to read your post tonight. A lot is going on with me right now physically and emotionally, including hormonal changes that us women go through at my age. Male or female, the world looks down on us as we age. I have been pretty down on myself, and your post has helped me smile. You are right, I am a lucky catch. (wink.)
Thank you for taking the time share your thoughts with us and our readers. I hope that your own life and relationships find real contentment, nurturing, and joy.
HM
Thank you!!! Profoundly put!
This is the most hit post in the blog. 04/30/09
Hi! I’ve just started learning about ANR and am just starting out. I stumbled across your blog and read the whole thing, I love your writing! I just wanted to tell you I really enjoyed reading about your experiences and I hope you keep writing. Hopefully I will be where you are someday
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I wish you the best in your ANR.
I saw that you were keeping a log. There will be joy and sometimes questioning and frustration. It helps to have a place to express it all.
Congratulations on your engagement and your future move closer to family. I wish you the best.
HM