I am always interested in articles on oxytocin. Oxytocin has been labeled as the bonding hormone. It is produced from thoughts and acts involving intimacy; from anything as simple as petting your dog, to the big oxytocin producer, orgasm.
Oxytocin is the hormone that is responsible for the let down reflex in the lactating breast. It helps to create the bond between the mother and child. Oxytocin creates contractions of the uterus during child birth and while nursing afterwards, aiding the delivery and recovery. The contractions can even be strong enough to stimulate an orgasm.
The oxytocin released during orgasm is ten times what is released for “milk let down.” Women release oxytocin during orgasm, and men release it immediately after orgasm. Guys, this is a good reason not to jump up immediately after sex. Let the oxytocin do its job. Cuddle and stare into each other’s eyes. After-play is the beginning of fore-play for your next encounter. Then through the day, consistently touch each other with hugs, kisses, little pats, and even a phone call. Every act of intimacy helps make and keep you connected.
In the past few years, scientists supported by National Institute of Health have begun to understand the chemistry and biology of love.
At the center of how our bodies respond to love and affection is a hormone called oxytocin. Most of our oxytocin is made in the area of the brain called the hypothalamus. Some is released into our bloodstream, but much of its effect is thought to reside in the brain.
One thing researchers can say with certainty is that physical contact affects oxytocin levels. (Dr. Kathleen C. Light of the University of North Carolina) says that the people who get lots of hugs and other warm contact at home tend to have the highest levels of oxytocin in the laboratory. She believes that frequent warm contact may somehow prime the oxytocin system and make it quicker to turn on whenever there is warm contact, even in a laboratory.
Men have more testosterone, which fuels their sex drive. It only seems fair that women are more sensitive to oxytocin. It is no secret that women are more primed for physical intimacy when there has been consistent romance in the relationship. The romance nurtures intimacy by providing opportunities to bond, like holding hands, walking arm in arm, and sitting close. When a woman feels bonded, (connected,) to her lover she feels more attractive, desired, and secure. This boost in self confidence and security helps her to feel sexy and more safe to be adventurous.
The oxytocin helps with bonding. The bonding encourages more emotional and physical intimacy, which in turn also creates more oxytocin and more bonding. It is continuous loop, or spiral, that either goes up or down, depending on the frequency and time spent nurturing it.
Men are often jealous of the emotional and physical intimacy they see develop between their wife and their children. New moms, out of necessity and love, spend so much time nurturing the child, especially if she is nursing. During these child baring years, mom is tired from all the baby and toddler care, but she can still rise out of bed in the middle of the night when her child needs her. If men can understand the bond and the continued stimulation of that bond, they can see it in action when watching the mother child relationship.
What has happened to their own relationship? During the dating phase, they were continually nurturing the bond: phone call, little notes, time spent cuddling, having fun together, holding hands, sharing secrets… thinking of each other all most obsessively. Then comes the honeymoon… and then gradually we let responsibilities and life push out the little things that bonded us. We have our marriage established and careers and family take precedence. Along come babies, and it gets even harder. Dads seem to take a back seat for a while. If this goes on long enough, there are problems. I know in the back of young parents minds is the thought of, “This is only temporary, it has to be this way,” but that is not true.
We can make a conscience effort to keep the bond and spiral of intimacy between husband and wife going upward instead of letting it go downward.
I have seen couples who instead of going from the twosome of “him and her,” to twosomes of “her and baby,” and “him and career,” they become a happy threesome and foursome, as the family grows. The father can jump right in there and join the oxytocin bonding party. He can hold mom while she holds the baby, help with the care of the baby and mom, do lots of snuggling together, and most importantly, keep romancing his wife. The wife in turn, needs to include her husband as much as possible. She must remember that she is not just the mother to his children, she is still his wife. He reminds her by taking care of her emotionally and physically through the week, not just when he is ready for sex. Energy is the big issue. Help her, or get her help, around the house, and work on the chemistry with lots of touching too. Energy is often created when the chemistry is right. Spend time close together, share oxytocin and pheromones. Some guys aren’t big on sharing feelings, and no woman wants her man to stop being a man, but sharing just a few feelings goes a long way in the bonding too. If she is bonded to him, she will crave to touch him much like she did in the honeymoon stage.
Even childless couples drift apart. Once the spiral starts spiraling down instead of up it is easy to drift. The adventure of getting to know each other reaches a stand still. They start taking each other for granted and move on with their lives at work. They come home from work tired, turn on the TV or PC, get on the mower, start supper… all separately. Alone time is good and necessary, but we need to have together time also… and time sleeping does not count. Even busy times can include quick hugs, cheek strokes, ‘I love you’ s, and phone calls during break saying, “I am thinking about you.” There is no reason for fun dates to have stopped. You can go to the gym or play racquetball, hike, dance, site see… and all through the day touch whenever you can. If you have to make time for sex, because you find no time otherwise, then do it. Just because you schedule sex, doesn’t mean you can’t be spontaneous when it is not scheduled.
Read this again: The researchers believe… frequent warm contact may somehow prime the oxytocin system and make it quicker to turn on whenever there is warm contact.
OK, now I am going to get a bit blunt, skip this if you are sex talk shy:
I have always told my husband that the more I get, the more I want. The longer we abstain from physical contact, the easier it is for me to do without it. Yes, I am talking about sex. The other thing is what he has told me recently… He said since we have started our bosoming again, I reach orgasms so easily and so intensely, and he loves that. When he told me that, I realized it too; it is so true. Thinking back, I realized that even before the bosoming, things were always better when we were frequently physically intimate. It doesn’t take as long to heat up if I am kept warm. 
I have recently seen in many women’s forums that a women’s low libido has been helped by daily masturbation. If you have a problem with self pleasure, then the husband can be the one to administer this medicine. Consider starting with an innocent looking vibrator. Snuggle afterwards. Yes, it might lead to something, but by then she is asking for it.
Oxytocin makes us feel good when we are close to family and other loved ones, including pets. It does this by acting through what scientists call the dopamine reward system. Dopamine is a brain chemical that plays a crucial part in how we perceive pleasure.
Oxytocin does more than make us feel good. It lowers the levels of stress hormones in the body, reducing blood pressure, improving mood, increasing tolerance for pain and perhaps even speeding how fast wounds heal. It also seems to play an important role in our relationships. It’s been linked, for example, to how much we trust others.
Makes us feel good~lowers stress hormones~improves mood~improves trust.. all good for a marriage.
I have seen lots of articles on Oxytocin, and I am going to start adding them to the bottom of this page as I come back across them.
Starting with this one quoted above: Hugs and cuddles, long term effects; and the power of love.
I am so with you! My husband thinks of me as a car, the more often you turn the engine on, the easier it is to start! Let it sit and the harder it is to coax it back to life. We have been suckling for just about four weeks and it says a lot that I am usually all warmed up and ready to go. We haven’t ever been this close and not just because of the frequent sex, but because we are spending so much time together and taking care of eachother. It has been great and I can’t wait to see where it takes us.
Thanks for your blog! You inspire me.
Dani
I feel so blessed that you took the time to share this with us! Isn’t it awesome what nurturing each other and your relationship can do?!
Thank you for your comment. I enjoy your entries on forums we have in common too.
Sorry if I sound like a cynic, but I’ve heard a lot about these natural “wonder-drugs” and can’t say I’ve felt much of them in a very long time, if ever.
I exercise regularly, and I don’t get “runner’s high” from endorphins. Some I’ve talked to have claimed it’s better than the high you get from euphoric drugs (MDMA, methamphetamines, cocaine, etc.). So far, all I’ve felt after exercise is achey, tired, and maybe a little angry.
And oxytocin? Maybe I need to get my hypothalamus checked; I haven’t felt anything of that sort at any time I can remember!
Hmmmm. I am sorry to hear that you have not been able to experience the endorphins and oxytocin.
“Oxytocin makes us feel good when we are close to family and other loved ones, including pets. It does this by acting through what scientists call the dopamine reward system. Dopamine is a brain chemical that plays a crucial part in how we perceive pleasure… Problems with the system can lead to serious depression….”
I am curious… are you an animal lover? All of my children adore animals and they are all snugly people. Do you remember if you enjoyed being snuggled as a child?
“Most of us are genetically programmed to form social bonds,” Carter explains, relating the results back to people. But the ability to form close bonds, she says, is shaped by early experiences. In the end, a complex interaction of genes and experience makes some people form social bonds more easily than others.”
My sister has worked with disadvantaged children, (physical, emotional, social…) and has done some studying on “detachment disorder.” It seems hugginess runs in families. Children who are not given the basic physical attention as infants, (due to being orphans, having had poor quality day care, or born to parents w/the disorder…) are more inclined to resist bonding. This can be genetic or based on personal history. Even with the idea of genetic causes, they wonder if it really isn’t more passed down learned behavior and experience than passed down genetics. This has not been studied in depth enough yet.
My husband’s family was not huggy and mine is. My extended family hugs and kisses at each greeting, good bye, and good night. This overwhelmed my husband at first; my brothers and sisters, mom, dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, lol, all hugging and kissing him from day one. Here at home it is still more likely that my children approach him for a hug and not the other way around. He snuggles on the couch with them, but the children initiate it. He does initiate hugs with me now, but for years it wasn’t that way. Also, he was not an animal lover when we met, but after the first few years together he became one. Now when we see his folks, he walks up to them and hugs them too. I think between a sister-in-law and me, we have taught his family to be huggers. LOL.
So I am wondering which of you come from huggy families, and do you think that makes a difference on how you raise, (or will raise,) your own family?
Do you ever hug strangers? I hug people at church all the time when I greet them. I also hold hands with people a lot. Do us huggy people just recognize each other?
I wanted to mention something else. When we were getting our house built, I spent a lot of time on site doing what I could myself. I was surrounded by men, and I can swear I could “feel” the pheromones or testosterone, or something in the air. I wasn’t attracted to any of the guys, but when I saw my husband, I was already primed in an animalistic way. Also… I have an oil perfume that is based on pheromones and it drives my husband crazy, even though it doesn’t have much scent. There is something to pheromones.
What do you think?
What you were smelling from the construction workers was their “manly spunk,” AKA the testosterone coming off from their toned, strong bodies in the form of their sweat. If the research I’ve read is true, you were turned on in a way, at least the part in your brain that recognizes they may likely have had “good genes” to make for strong, healthy grandchildren.
Sadly, it is perfectly possible to have good genes and looks, and despicable morals–the research I’ve read also indicated it was common in the past for women to cheat on their mates with men like these so as to secure better genes for their children and then parasitize their unwitting mate’s care, effort in resources. Kind of like how cuckoos parasitize the efforts of the other birds they’ve laid their own eggs in.
Research in pheromones has come a long way. I’ve a book from the 1980s here that claims that pheromones play no part in sexual desire, since man, “like the quoodle, has lost his sense of smell!” But it seems from your perfume that they do not have to be smelled to have an effect on people.
As to the rest of your interesting questions, I think I’ll be answering those in my next e-mail.
Gosh, aftet reading this I wish I had a snuggle buddy. Instead, all I have to warm me at night is my overheating laptop. *Sigh*