There are many assumptions that could be made, and they shouldn’t be. A common assumption by those outside of ANR is  that the one suckling is expressing a submissive affection. They are just as likely to assume that the women is expressing a dominant motherly or matronly affection. For some this is true. Some men even call her momma. Those are wonderful forms of affection, but they should not be assumed. 

Couples are using ANR to express various heartfelt feelings and mind sets. In some, the one who is offering the breast does so with an affection of honor mixed with their feeling of love. This is reminiscent of the tales in which warriors were given the milk from the breasts of grateful women, to give the warrior strength for battle. It also brings to mind the ancient painting of the aging Emperor being offered a breast of his subject. Whether this is the simple honor shown by a wife towards her husband or deep felt admiration and reverence, it is far from a dominant motherly affection. It is still nurturing, but the heartfelt reason for wanting to lovingly nurture her man is more than romantic affection or passion, it is also respectful honor and her voluntary subjection in this area. It is far from the motherly love and responsibility to provide nourishment. 

I have read personal stories where it is the woman being honored in her role as a “goddess,” and she is the more dominant person in the relationship. Yet she is still not mothering her man and is nor viewing him as a childish. He offers his lips to show adoration, not dependence. 

I could see a possibility where the bases of affection don’t necessarily correlate with each other. Perhaps both feel the admiration and the desire to please. Neither one of them is seeing themselves as receiving, but both giving. Of course it could be completely opposite where both see themselves on the receiving end of adoration. 

For some it is clearly a gift of loving affection and each of them are on both the giving and receiving ends. There is a mutual respect and honor between two mature adults who love each other and want to share an intensely intimate act of affection. Both are being emotionally nurtured by the other in this act of intimacy. 

There was a time in our relationship years ago, when my husband and I had just dealt with some serious relationship issues. Sex was emotionally uncomfortable for me, because of where the rest of our relationship was. I felt a need to spend intimate time together that was non-sexual, and slowly work our way back into our sexual relationship. One of the little rituals that came about was my desire to towel dry him after his morning shower. It sounds silly, but it was what it was. I wanted to caress him in a non sensual way to show him I still loved him, and I had a desire to give myself to him, but in a lesser intimate way. At first, he just tolerated it. After about a week, I could tell he was growing impatient with the whole thing. I asked him why it bothered him. He said, “Because I am a grown man, and I can dry myself off. I don’t like being treated like a kid.” Whoa!  I had seriously miscommunicated my affection and needs. Then I explained to him, my desire was to serve him, not mother him. I asked him to look at it in the way that oriental women traditionally serve their men. It was a way to show an affectionate honor and admiration, not motherly affection. Once he knew my real intention, it was well received. 

Communication is important, no matter what your reason is for desiring or participating in ANR. The feelings present are bound to be more than just the physical sensations of nipples and lips. The act is too intimate to be only physical. What emotions and affections are being shared? How does it make you feel? What do you want the other person to feel? Perhaps it changes over time, or changes from one session to the next. Maybe at first it is enough just to do it. Eventually though, I think you will grow trusting enough to make yourself even more vulnerable and really communicate your heartfelt affection and what it is you are experiencing. 

Do you know your own bases of affection? Do you know what way your spouse is feeling? How does this express your relationship? Perhaps I am leaving you with something to ponder. I would love to hear your thoughts in this area.

His Milkmaid

Oxytocin is the hormone that is responsible for the let down reflex in the lactating breast. It helps to create the bond between the mother and child. Oxytocin creates contractions of the uterus during child birth and while nursing afterwards, aiding the delivery and recovery. The contractions can even be strong enough to stimulate an orgasm.

The oxytocin released during orgasm is ten times what is released for “milk let down.” Women release oxytocin during orgasm, and men release it immediately after orgasm. Guys, this is a good reason not to jump up immediately after sex. Let the oxytocin do its job. Cuddle and stare into each other’s eyes. After-play is the beginning of fore-play for your next encounter. Then through the day, consistently touch each other with hugs, kisses, little pats, and even a phone call. Every act of intimacy helps make and keep you connected.

In the past few years, scientists supported by National Institute of Health have begun to understand the chemistry and biology of love.

At the center of how our bodies respond to love and affection is a hormone called oxytocin. Most of our oxytocin is made in the area of the brain called the hypothalamus. Some is released into our bloodstream, but much of its effect is thought to reside in the brain.

One thing researchers can say with certainty is that physical contact affects oxytocin levels. (Dr. Kathleen C. Light of the University of North Carolina) says that the people who get lots of hugs and other warm contact at home tend to have the highest levels of oxytocin in the laboratory. She believes that frequent warm contact may somehow prime the oxytocin system and make it quicker to turn on whenever there is warm contact, even in a laboratory.

Men have more testosterone, which fuels their sex drive. It only seems fair that women are more sensitive to oxytocin. It is no secret that women are more primed for physical intimacy when there has been consistent romance in the relationship. The romance nurtures intimacy by providing opportunities to bond, like holding hands, walking arm in arm, and sitting close. When a woman feels bonded, (connected,) to her lover she feels more attractive, desired, and secure. This boost in self confidence and security helps her to feel sexy and more safe to be adventurous.

The oxytocin helps with bonding. The bonding encourages more emotional and physical intimacy, which in turn also creates more oxytocin and more bonding. It is continuous loop, or spiral, that either goes up or down, depending on the frequency and time spent nurturing it.

Men are often jealous of the emotional and physical intimacy they see develop between their wife and their children. New moms, out of necessity and love, spend so much time nurturing the child, especially if she is nursing. During these child baring years, mom is tired from all the baby and toddler care, but she can still rise out of bed in the middle of the night when her child needs her. If men can understand the bond and the continued stimulation of that bond, they can see it in action when watching the mother child relationship.

What has happened to their own relationship? During the dating phase, they were continually nurturing the bond: phone call, little notes, time spent cuddling, having fun together, holding hands, sharing secrets… thinking of each other all most obsessively.   Then comes the honeymoon… and then gradually we let responsibilities and life push out the little things that bonded us.  We have our marriage established and careers and family take precedence. Along come babies, and it gets even harder. Dads seem to take a back seat for a while. If this goes on long enough, there are problems. I know in the back of young parents minds is the thought of, “This is only temporary, it has to be this way,” but that is not true.

We can make a conscience effort to keep the bond and spiral of intimacy between husband and wife going upward instead of letting it go downward.

I have seen couples who instead of going from the twosome of “him and her,” to twosomes of “her and baby,” and “him and career,” they become a happy threesome and foursome, as the family grows. The father can jump right in there and join the oxytocin bonding party. He can hold mom while she holds the baby, help with the care of the baby and mom, do lots of snuggling together, and most importantly, keep romancing his wife. The wife in turn, needs to include her husband as much as possible.  She must remember that she is not just the mother to his children, she is still his wife. He reminds her by taking care of her emotionally and physically through the week, not just when he is ready for sex. Energy is the big issue. Help her, or get her help, around the house, and work on the chemistry with lots of touching too. Energy is often created when the chemistry is right. Spend time close together, share oxytocin and pheromones. Some guys aren’t big on sharing feelings, and no woman wants her man to stop being a man, but sharing just a few feelings goes a long way in the bonding too. If she is bonded to him, she will crave to touch him much like she did in the honeymoon stage.

Even childless couples drift apart. Once the spiral starts spiraling down instead of up it is easy to drift. The adventure of getting to know each other reaches a stand still. They start taking each other for granted and move on with their lives at work. They come home from work tired, turn on the TV or PC, get on the mower, start supper… all separately. Alone time is good and necessary, but we need to have together time also… and time sleeping does not count. Even busy times can include quick hugs, cheek strokes, ‘I love you’ s, and phone calls during break saying, “I am thinking about you.”  There is no reason for fun dates to have stopped. You can go to the gym or play racquetball, hike, dance, site see… and all through the day touch whenever you can. If you have to make time for sex, because you find no time otherwise, then do it. Just because you schedule sex, doesn’t mean you can’t be spontaneous when it is not scheduled. 

Read this again: The researchers believe… frequent warm contact may somehow prime the oxytocin system and make it quicker to turn on whenever there is warm contact. 

OK, now I am going to get a bit blunt, skip this if you are sex talk shy:

I have always told my husband that the more I get, the more I want. The longer we abstain from physical contact, the easier it is for me to do without it. Yes, I am talking about sex.  The other thing is what he has told me recently… He said since we have started our bosoming again, I reach orgasms so easily and so intensely, and he loves that. When he told me that, I realized it too; it is so true.  Thinking back, I realized that even before the bosoming, things were always better when we were frequently physically intimate. It doesn’t take as long to heat up if I am kept warm. I have recently seen in many women’s forums that a women’s low libido has been helped by daily masturbation. If you have a problem with self pleasure, then the husband can be the one to administer this medicine. Consider starting with an innocent looking vibrator. Snuggle afterwards. Yes, it might lead to something, but by then she is asking for it.

Oxytocin makes us feel good when we are close to family and other loved ones, including pets. It does this by acting through what scientists call the dopamine reward system. Dopamine is a brain chemical that plays a crucial part in how we perceive pleasure.

Oxytocin does more than make us feel good. It lowers the levels of stress hormones in the body, reducing blood pressure, improving mood, increasing tolerance for pain and perhaps even speeding how fast wounds heal. It also seems to play an important role in our relationships. It’s been linked, for example, to how much we trust others.

Makes us feel good~lowers stress hormones~improves mood~improves trust.. all good for a marriage.

I have seen lots of articles on Oxytocin, and I am going to start adding them to the bottom of this page as I come back across them.

Starting with this one quoted above: Hugs and cuddles, long term effects; and the power of love.

The Cuddle Hormone

More on the affects of the “cuddle hormone” on the mind.

Stay connected with your spouse as a lover, not just as a parent,

This so describes the first half of our marriage… and the solutions we put in place.

Missing the woman I fell in love with